Don’t even ask
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Court
Big court date tomorrow and I have 0 people who I can talk to about it. Thankfully weeed and my very strong antidepressant meds are keeping me blocked from suicidal thoughts and a little anxiety. And I’m actually reupping tomorrow thank god! But. A big but. I don’t know what’s going to happen. You know someone I know started talking to me last night saying she’s pretty sure she’s not meant to live in this world and suicide is the only option for her and I had a moment before I blasted her with my opinion (I’ll get to it) but I thought you know… even though being heavily medicated and not being able to see through the window… she’s in a sense not wrong. Now let me back up.
My attempt at describing what being on heavy anti depressant meds feels like, here goes.
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Imagine you’re standing next to a giant boulder on the beach. It’s so big even if you walk away from it, it keeps in close proximity anyway. You can’t keep the boulder away. So you take depression meds. Heavy depression meds. And zoom. That giant boulder who followed you around is 100 feet from you. You can still see it and when you walk it still slowlY follows yOuu but not where you can’t move. You can make decisions and can feel it near by but it’s not confining you into one small space. You’re able to roam free on the beach and do whatever you want. But you know it’s still there, but your mind is blocking you from understanding and accepting the situation.
So even though my world is going to drastically and dramatically change, my mind is not allowing me to feel or experience this falling apart saga which my brain is quite accustomed to. So it’s a weird place to be in. Here was my suggestion to my suicidal friend.
If you’re going to die, quit your job. It seems like that is a huge stressor and if you have $30K saved up…and are going to die… you won’t be putting a down payment on a house anyMore eh? So why not take the bit of money you have ( not all and not half but maybe 5K) and go travel. By yourself. Go to Iceland and China and Chili. Go to far off places and experience what you’re giving up and when you come home or not, make that decision. When I moved back from Denver I absolutely wanted to die and thought suicide was the best for me. If I had 30K I wouldn’t have spent my last waking weeks or whatever at my moms house sneaking into the 1969 Volkswagen Beetle in the garage to smoke my brains out religiously and try to cling to some transparent memories I had connected to an autoMobile and a relationship that would never be rekindled in a thousand million years. Along with that, the perception that I am truly a bad person. Which I am. I’ve just finally accepted it now. Even when I gave birth and all this I still wanted to die. And to this day sometimes I do.
I think that’s partlY why I’m okay with moving overseas and trying to get away. I know there are better things on the other side of the oceans. I can leave my state without feeling guilty or who am I leaving behind. Now that I have a child I do feel sort of uncomfortable removing my mom from her first and only grandchild. But. This is also my life. Suicide isn’t the wrong answer.
Tess, 8/11/18, 6:22am
Awful car wreck: been in the hospital 9 days now.
Sus March 3
Super proud of this dork whom I’ve I’ve been friends with since 10th grade in high school. She just passed her boards for cosmetology and I’m so happy for her. She’s finished school, has has a job, and is taking care of herself. Nobody else is but her. That’s huge. She was here for me when I got out of a breakup and through small fights and drug riddled hang outs we still always manage to be buddy buddy again. I think we are more blunt and closer than before, and sober. So currently I’m cooking this bestie biscuits, eggs, sausage, waffles and hot syrup with some grapes haha and he favorite chocolate milk. I got cashew milk because it’s my favorite yay no dairy! And I hope she wakes up soon so I can give her a big buddy hug. Awi!! liveamongstthetrees
One of the last times I think we were close ever since.
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