page from my lecture notebook
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It’s easier to avoid social situations when you have a child. Two days indoors isn’t too bad anyways.
My son definitely isn’t a quiet shy boy. He is loud, daredevil and always on the go personality. This child has no fear. But I love him. 💞🧁
I need to work on not eating 90% of my nutritional value of food is carbs on the weekend. Fucking seasaw man.
My boy was so good all weekend at the funeral. He let multiple grandmas and aunties hold him and never cried if I disappeared for a while to talk to family. Even at restaurants and the hotel he was pretty good, and slept through the nights. I’m pretty lucky my child isn’t a terror in public or in general. I think the more you expose your kid to the outside world the less scared they will be. My son is a daredevil. Good job Noy-Noy! 💓
On Monday’s I wake up at 5am. I get ready for two hours then I go to work at 7am. I’ve been going to Starbucks for a double shot on ice, three pumps of sugar free vanilla, light caramel drizzle, and cream. Or quiktrip for the double shot light cream can. Then throughout the day I add caramel premier protein to the drink.
I need to focus on drinking more water but man I’m so tired lately. Monday’s I work 8am-7pm. Tuesday to Thursday 8am-5pm. Please let me get a shit ton of work done today.
Court
Big court date tomorrow and I have 0 people who I can talk to about it. Thankfully weeed and my very strong antidepressant meds are keeping me blocked from suicidal thoughts and a little anxiety. And I’m actually reupping tomorrow thank god! But. A big but. I don’t know what’s going to happen. You know someone I know started talking to me last night saying she’s pretty sure she’s not meant to live in this world and suicide is the only option for her and I had a moment before I blasted her with my opinion (I’ll get to it) but I thought you know… even though being heavily medicated and not being able to see through the window… she’s in a sense not wrong. Now let me back up.
My attempt at describing what being on heavy anti depressant meds feels like, here goes.
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Imagine you’re standing next to a giant boulder on the beach. It’s so big even if you walk away from it, it keeps in close proximity anyway. You can’t keep the boulder away. So you take depression meds. Heavy depression meds. And zoom. That giant boulder who followed you around is 100 feet from you. You can still see it and when you walk it still slowlY follows yOuu but not where you can’t move. You can make decisions and can feel it near by but it’s not confining you into one small space. You’re able to roam free on the beach and do whatever you want. But you know it’s still there, but your mind is blocking you from understanding and accepting the situation.
So even though my world is going to drastically and dramatically change, my mind is not allowing me to feel or experience this falling apart saga which my brain is quite accustomed to. So it’s a weird place to be in. Here was my suggestion to my suicidal friend.
If you’re going to die, quit your job. It seems like that is a huge stressor and if you have $30K saved up…and are going to die… you won’t be putting a down payment on a house anyMore eh? So why not take the bit of money you have ( not all and not half but maybe 5K) and go travel. By yourself. Go to Iceland and China and Chili. Go to far off places and experience what you’re giving up and when you come home or not, make that decision. When I moved back from Denver I absolutely wanted to die and thought suicide was the best for me. If I had 30K I wouldn’t have spent my last waking weeks or whatever at my moms house sneaking into the 1969 Volkswagen Beetle in the garage to smoke my brains out religiously and try to cling to some transparent memories I had connected to an autoMobile and a relationship that would never be rekindled in a thousand million years. Along with that, the perception that I am truly a bad person. Which I am. I’ve just finally accepted it now. Even when I gave birth and all this I still wanted to die. And to this day sometimes I do.
I think that’s partlY why I’m okay with moving overseas and trying to get away. I know there are better things on the other side of the oceans. I can leave my state without feeling guilty or who am I leaving behind. Now that I have a child I do feel sort of uncomfortable removing my mom from her first and only grandchild. But. This is also my life. Suicide isn’t the wrong answer.
Tess, 8/11/18, 6:22am
3am on a Tuesday.
Woke up at the ripe time of 2:30am because I can’t stop thinking about work. I called in yesterday and it was the worst decision ever. Not only did I work from home for three hours but I won’t get paid for it. I wish I could work from home period and not have to deal with this…
I’m sick to my stomach again and less than a week from court and I feel super alone. Can’t remember the last time I even hung out with anyone so that’s nice. I’ve poured myself into food and grass the last four days and I feel like all my hard work from gym and eating great is offically down the drain. I know a big part of it is not taking my meds consistently over the weekend so I’m imbalanced when the week starts. I just feel like I don’t know what I’m doing the older along I get in my life. I feel like I don’t have my shit together and no plans for the future let alone nextweek.
I have taken. A week off over thanksgiving and I want to travel somewhere but idk where and if it’s even going to be a good idea financially. I know I don’t want to be around family. Not my family not baby daddy family and I know thats not fair to Noy… but now I have my own family I can make those choices if we don’t want to be available over holidays we can make own our traditions and not feel like two days off from work for a food holiday that I have to properly time and slice for three families ( my mom, my dad and Chris family to see Eli) is not a great way to spend a 4 day weekend. Or in my case a 7 day weeeknd. And in the end my mom bitched and says she never has enough time…
Let me explain.
Thanksgiving morning we go to chris family 45 min away which is fun for him to see all his uncles and aunts and tons of cousins then my mom blows up my phone asking where we are even though I tell her we will be there 3pm/4pm… but consistently blows up my phone until we are there… then we get there and it’s just my mom and us. And it’s quiet. And we sit on the couch and she watches her sport game then we eat her dry cooked food and stay for two hours and leave since there’s nobody there or nothing planned to do. And in the end she complains about that. So instead of driving 45 min to Owasso, 45 min to Tulsa then sometimes driving back 45 to Owasso to drive 45 min home… just to over eat and be socially and mentally drained for what FOOD!? Yeah if people want to see me or my child make plans, one day with this family one day with this family. So I want to do something 100% with my little boy no other family. He’s 1. And I’m not worried about what sort of impact that will have on his life right now, if I can get some sleep and make him and I food at home or do something low key i would be much happier.
Please let the next 4 hours be okay at work and productive. No gym or low carb today, need to focus on mental health. No sugar too. And lots of water. Be safe mama T.
Tess,8/7/ 18
Life Update
So it is 3am and I can’t sleep due to imploding anxiety but I think it’s the good type so I’m going to just write.
Tomorrow is a big day leaving my job as a graphic designer for a real estate company of over a year and a half for something much much bigger. It wasn’t an easy decision but I feel like the world was presenting my options and I had to jump.
I’ve been looking for a better opportunity for a few months now due to the fact of being way over worked, under paid and under appreciated of the talents I have. The company I work for is very successful and has 8 offices and almost 600 realtors. And yet the marketing department has only 4 graphic designers to accomdate their every custom whim. I say custom because we do nothing through a template everything they choose is tailored to their needs.
Brochures, logos, postcards, gift ideas, stationary, digital needs for social media, the list goes on. We all work in a small room stuffed together like sardines which is an environment I’ve never worked in. On one hand I loved it because I never worked with creatives before it was usually just my marketing manager boss and me that would make up the marketing department. This was different. I got to bounce ideas off one another and collaborate and it was a really helpful environment in that regard and reminded me of college. In addition to the fast paced work load.
Until it started to get overwhelming.
Since I’ve worked there for almost 1 year and a half in the marketing department alone we have had five people leave. 1 marketing director, 1 creative manager, 1 social media manager, 2 graphic designers. It is sad to say upper management does not recognize the talent of the employees and are severely underpaid. I think a huge tipping point was when the owner hired her unprofessional and rude manicurist for an administration job a few months ago and figured it would be a good fit. Or when she decided to fire our first HR person after two months of working there and replaced HR with a realtor. Who when giving a tour to new agents of the corporate building will glaze by our room and not even acknowledge the marketing department team who they had full disposable to their every whim and need. We aren’t people, just disposable items.
The good stuff.
I love working fast and helping people. So answering roughly 60 emails a day isn’t a huge challenge or working on 15-20 projects a day jumping back and forth to on the spot projects is fine. But when clients start being rude and degrading, or management expects you to be perfect while toggling 500ish realtors as a 5 man team and under pay them? No. But as i said this the good stuff.
I’m a very laid back, empathetic and understanding designer. Last minute project to lesson the burden? Give it to me. I don’t care if I have 30 projects and the magazine to do. I respect the struggle with the job and anxiety and depression. I will always let others first even if I hate you. I’m a good and fast worker. And I will own up to my own mistakes and try to find a better solution moving forward.
The exciting news.
I’ve been dreaming of a director position in a creative role for a job since college. I’ll be out of design school for almost 5 years now. So from working in design through..the male/mad men dominated pipeline industry, the loveable challenging nonprofit for Deaf children, being succumbed to a part time marketing specialist position with a Regina George as a boss, to now a huge real estate company that compensates me at intern pay but 10x the work load and projects than any job I’ve even taken, to my new job. Creative director at an audiology and speech disorder therapy clinic.
I’m still on a huge wave of high from it. Creative marketing director. There is no higher position to go from there in the creative world other than owner. I took a huge leap of faith and believed in myself that I could do this. I had never had a title of even a senior graphic designer or a manger at any of my current jobs in the past. I jumped titles, asked for a high salary, redefined the title, got what I want, and some how happened to fall back in the arena of Hearing Loss connection.
It was just all too connected. Too odd. But maybe a perfect fit for me.
A portion of my photography section on my portfolio, happen to be child cochlear implant clients of my soon to be boss. At my time at the non profit, I remembered my soon to be boss was the biggest sponsor at our charity ball and golf tournament. My new boss has a Deaf daughter and I met her during the interview and signed with her, which provided a multitude of positive vibes and feelings just exploded because I missed being around other Deaf people again. My new boss created a non profit with a Deaf organization in my town, whom I’ve done freelance work for years ago. And. The weirdest strangest awkward thing of all. It was my new boss at the real estate company as of 2 months ago, old job. And I knew it when I interviewed. Does that make me a shark?
How it happened.
The owner of the audiology clinic saw my resume on Indeed and approached me saying I’d be a great fit for their marketing director position and my stomach jumped into my skull. What. The. Hell. Weirdly enough when I moved back from Colorado 3ish years ago I applied as a lonely marketing assistant to that place and my current boss at the real estate company interviewed me, turned me down and said I was over qualified. Strange. So I proceeded carefully with the interview. I fell in love with everything immediately. The owner (my soon to be new boss), the hours, the work, the office, everything. Then strangely enough I started getting more call backs from other jobs I applied for. Another marketing manager for a Special Olympics job I almost took because I have a ton of experience volunteering with them doing photography and design work, and even in high school participating in Special Olympics. But I knew that job front wards and backwards and wasn’t a fan of the VP of marketing who would have been my boss so I declined. I still interviewed other jobs to make sure it was the right fit. And I believe his new one is.
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So today is my last day at the real estate company it is very bittersweet and I feel bad on one had because now the department will need to hire two graphic designers not just one. And the work load already is immense but I need to honestly think about myself and my new journey ahead. I really will miss the people I work with they’re very talented and all deserve better and should strive for more. I can’t believe It is all happening and I start my new job Monday. Don’t give up on your dreams. Be patient and work hard, they’re waiting for you.
Comfort
I’m finding some comfort in read a friend of a friends Instagram. At 2:20am in the morning because my son is teething and can’t sleep. There for I can’t sleep. 😊🤣🤷♀️
This girl lets call her Sara, is living the dream life, my dream life for myself.
I believe she’s about 23 years old, living in Japan and has gone to a Japanese/English university and graduated with her Bach of arts degree. She has many friends English and Japanese, picked out her graduation clothes which turned out to be traditional Japanese wear, Japanese boyfriend, and now she’s going to find a job back home in America to be closer to her family.
The regret and mistakes I’ve made in life. Here is how my life turned out after graduation of high school.
2005-2011 what is like to call the fuzzy years. I broke up with Will, my half Japanese first love of my life for a guy who I became friends with at an arcade and lived near me. Because it was easier at the time than the long distance. Boy was I severely mistaken. I would never have known that this boy… Will… I would still be trying to look for his love and him for over 10+ years in every relationship. I never should have left him. Because it started a chain reaction of events where people would hurt me and abuse me. The boy I dated instead of Will, Taylor, cheated on me. Then I started dating women again. Also cheated on me. Then I found Melissa. Short lived, short loved, but so intense at the time for me and pivotal in my sexual identity. I had never loved a woman that much.
So from Melissa to about 2011 I dated/ slept with quite a few women. Couldn’t really find the one or didn’t care to due to being so fucked up. Gained a lot of weight. During this time I went to a community college and struggled so much due to bad education from an alternative school which mentally was the best choice for me at the time. I ended up getting kicked out temporarily from that community college due to plagiarism, which I truly believed how you wrote a research paper was rewarding bits and pieces from different websites and books.. and make it fit. My freshman comp 1 teacher failed me on my last paper, and I would have passed. I had to write a letter pleading back into university. It was embarrassing but I grew from it. Back to relationships. So I never graduated from the community college but I took up to Japanese 4 mainly to speak to my boyfriend but ex at the time…. I didn’t succeed past that or want to try since we weren’t together. Another future opportunity gone. During that time I worked at a home daycare. So I had decided I wanted to be a massage therapist on a cruise. So I jumped into massage school 2010, graduated and couldn’t find a cruise job. Gained up to 256 and went to another university for graphic design. Where was my life even going? I just kept jumping to jumping from situation not ever really thinking it through or understanding what’s going on. Still to this day my life would be much happier and simpler if I had just stayed with Will. Sigh. So I meet Ashley when I start graphic design university and she is my perfect new better Will, but a woman. And like I said perfect. 💗 I couldn’t have imagined to meet someone with a similar personality, make me laugh, perfect. But we got comfortable. And I’m not sure what happened specifically. Other than, she said at the end I never protected myself. And when we broke up, I didn’t have a fall out plan. Which seems to be a pattern in my life. Like I’m not mature or wise enough to have a back up plan or think ahead. I was heart broken when I left my perfect job in Oklahoma to move us to Colorado only to find 6 months later… she would break up with me and I’d have to restart all over again. Honestly it was the most civil and best break up you could have. Still to this day (even though we do not talk, she’s married, and I wish her the best happiness ever), best relationship I ever had. And I took it for granted and somewhere along the way messed up. Like all these awful people in my life messed up on me. And I did it to her. I carry such heavy weight on how I handled everything with her. it’s hard to let go and not over analyze every minute detail of WHAT DID I DO WRONG? Why am I not enough.
Fast forward 2015-2019. I had the worst relationship with a person I didn’t think you could have. And I was sooooooo Soooo SOOOOOOO completely beer goggles and blinded by the multiple multiple cheating. And I thought, hey if he loves me enough to have a child with me, that surpasses it all. Not with narcissistic sociopaths. They have no guilt, only shame. And shame because how everyone else views them. I have a 2 year old son. He has not seen his dad in almost 3 weeks, and he lives 5 minutes away and is unemployed like myself. It breaks my heart. He had him for 18 hours almost 3 weeks ago, and he asked me to come get him bc he kept saying momma, momma, momma. Fast forward to today. Not only does he have a new gf he cheated on me with, but one he’s known for 4 weeks, lives in Alaska, and is a stranger. He told me they’re just friends. Then it’s just the game. Then when I found I LOVE YOU TEXTS, it’s just how they talk bc or the game. And now 2.5 weeks after we break up. She’s in secret living there. I predicted this would happen, I predicted she would move in, however, I did not predict it would happen so fucking soon and he would try to HIDE IT FROM ME. Well shit is going down.
How is this my life? From a simple romance and true love with Will. To fighting for my mental sanity and son. Unemployed, single mother, living with her mom at 32.
I am truly afraid this, is going to kill me. It’s so much pressure on my organs and heart because i cannot handle the stress and pain of it all. I will give my son everything and my life for him to be with me. Taking care of him gives me such intense selfish joy, I cannot imagine my life without him. I’m filled with love, pride, and excitement to watch him grow and learn and be the boy he is becoming. When I look at his face, I see his father so clearly and part of me wants to cry and throw up, but I remind myself… if you give him all the love…teach him from right and wrong…show him how to truly care and love someone.. he won’t turn out to be his father. He won’t hurt women like his dad hurt me and so many others in his past. No in person should ever have to be in the situation I am in. The pain. The physical, mental and emotional pain. I thought I had anxiety and depression before… this is such another level.
With my anxiety and depression so heightened I’m worried I will die soon. My body and organs can’t take enough of the stress and mental damage that’s been afflicted on me. And My son will be forever with his father and new family. And even though, if I do die, l won’t be able to find out how he turns out. Which is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Because I’ll be gone. And I won’t be able to see how he lives and grows up. So I want to write a short letter to my son.
~~~
Dear Noy,
Today is April 11, 2019 2:47am. You just turned two a few weeks ago and mommy is so proud of you. You’re learning to put your shoes on, and even try to say more words! You can whisper shoes, blue, show, and even car. You can clearly say; momma, dada, mmm, bubble, baba, car, duck, meow, woof, roar,mum mum. Right now I think that’s about it. I started you on almond milk recently because you had a tummy ache for a while and you love it. You also really love mango juice and frozen pineapples. :) we recently went and had ice cream together and you got a vanilla cone and shared with mommy. Mommy loves all these fun special times and moments with you. Especially bath time. Playing in the water and singing abcs and “swimming swimming swimming in the sea that mean old shark will never catch me” and you will flop on your tummy and swim away when I sing that lol. You love bubbles and colored tablets in your bath and to splash around. When you get hurt or sad you cry for momma. And lift your arms up and say “ohhh 🥺😩😢🥺” because you want me to hold you and it’s the most precious and amazing feeling ever. It makes mommy’s heart and head and everything so happy and loved and wanted. You’re my angel and my true version of happiness and fullfillment. I’m so honored and lucky to have you in my life Noy. You’re such a good boy. Mommy loves you! So so much! 💗💋 I hope that someday I can read you this letter and tell you how much you’ve changed and grown into a young man. See you go to elementary school and high school graduation. But baby if I don’t, and I for some reason leave you too soon. It doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything and everything in my power to love and provide the very best for you. I am not a perfect person, but I know I love you. So be strong, remember all these little memories I shared with you. And remember to treat everyone with kindness, do not hurt a lady because it can truly hurt her forever like it has with mommy, and plan for your dreams. You can do anything you want. Don’t settle. And love your family with all your heart. I love you Noy. XOXOXOX, Mommy
It’s officially 3am and I have to get up at 7am to do some things. 2pm is when everything is getting into motion. And going down. Please universe spare me the drama and heart ache. Let this be easy and smooth. Let me handle things with grace. Let me live and not die.
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